Tag Archives: Dating

How Not To Get Married

Here is my quick and dirty list of things you should NOT do if you ever want to get married. Hopefully, you’ll find it entertaining, as I list the most common mistakes most single men or women make in their pursuit to find ‘the one.’ Feel free to comment and add to this list with your own items!

1. Be overly anxious

Stop always being so nervous and afraid that you’ll miss the good one ‘right under your nose’ and stop thinking that life just seems to be passing you by.  No one likes desperation, particularly that nice brother or sister who just joined the church. Sit still, keep to yourself, hold your head up and know that you know that God will reveal your husband or wife to you in time!

2. Keep saying things like, ‘God sent you to me.’

If God truly ‘sent’ that person to you, he or she will be just as aware of it as you are. You did not need to provoke, remind or beat that person over the head with that information. You may be a holy prophet or prophetess of God, but believe me, my brother or sister, God will leave that bit of prophecy for someone else to reveal to your intended. Know your role and stick with it. Repeat after me: “I am a holy woman (or man) of God. I need not be anxious for anything! If this man (or woman) is meant to be my spouse, God will reveal it to them in His own time!” Repeat as often as necessary.

3. Go out with everyone who asks you.

You are NOT desperate! (For reference, go back to point #1). You do not need to go out with everyone who asks you. All you are doing is creating an (unpleasant) reputation for yourself. You do NOT need the headache. Instead, choose to be picky and wait until it is clearly your time. Date a bit and have some fun, but don’t get emotionally invested unless you can see the relationship going somewhere. And if you are desperate (and Lord knows we’ve all been there), at least have the dignity to pretend you are not. Walk around as if you don’t have a care in the world, do your crying in private during your prayer time with and wait on God to openly reward you with a wonderful spouse for your ‘secret’ diligence (Mat 6:4)!

4. Talk about marriage on the first date.

Please, please, please don’t talk about marriage on the first date. And if your date brings it up, be very suspicious of him or her as well. Sure, most of us will end up married at some point in our lives, but you probably won’t get married that first date night. Talk about marriage when it is appropriate. Like if you’ve been friends for years and are ready for that next step. Or when you’ve diligently prayed and fasted over the matter. Or, heck, at least wait until the second or third date!  Don’t embarrass yourself – you’re better than that and don’t need the heartache!

5. Spend all your time at church

Though you should regularly pray and fast, meditate and study, for goodness sake, don’t spend every single free minute you have at church! The Bible study can and will go on if you don’t show up one week. All three services don’t need to see your face (unless you’re serving) and the anniversary committee doesn’t need to see you every single year for this event to go off without a hitch.  Think about it for a minute – how will a brother or sister ever get to spend time with you if you don’t have any to spare? Yes, the Bible says you should meditate on the word ‘day and night’ (Ps 1), but Lord, it would be nice to have something other than scriptures, your prayer life and what the Pastor had on to talk about on your first date. Read the newspaper. Hang out with friends on occasion. Be up on current events. Make sure you’re not one-dimensional and that every minute of your day is taken up with church or church-related activities.

Be Blessed 🙂

Praying For a Spouse

Most of us can reasonably expect to get married.  God ordained marriage from the very beginning when he made Adam and Eve with the explanation that a man should leave his parents and ‘cleave’ (i.e., join together with) his wife (Gen 2).

Christ used marriage to illustrate his relationship with the church, advising husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself to it and for wives to respect their husbands (Eph 5). What beautiful thoughts – men loving their wives as Christ loves us – giving of himself for the relationship, while wives showed the proper respect and deference to their sacrificing husbands.

The Apostle Paul some interesting things to say himself about being married. He says,

I wish that all of you were like me, but God has given different gifts to each of us.

Here is my advice for people who have never been married and for widows. You should stay single, just as I am.

But if you don’t have enough self-control, then go ahead and get married. After all, it is better to marry than to burn with desire. (1Co 7:7-9) (CEV)

Paul is saying that while he would prefer single people to remain single, he realizes most people aren’t capable of staying single without committing a sexual sin, so it’s better for them to be married.  Albert Barnes’ Notes on the Bible puts it more explicitly by saying, “It is better to marry, even with all the inconveniences attending the marriage life in a time of distress and persecution in the church( 1Co_7:26), than to be the prey of raging, consuming, and exciting passions.

That makes it pretty clear – it’s good to remain single if you can, but better (and more the norm) to be married to control your sexual sin, among a myriad of other reasons (to procreate, because it is Divinely-inspired, etc.). It is also very possible that the Apostle Paul’s reference to the fact that he is able to remain celibate is in fact a spiritual gift. There are those among us who are asexual or have been given the power by God to remain single and celibate, but this is rare. Again, most of us can reasonably expect to be married at some point in our lives.

Which makes it reasonable to assume that, if you are still single, you can pray for your future husband or wife.  You can pray things for things like asking God to make you a better husband or wife for when the time comes, or that He watch over your future spouse. You can pray for your future marriage – that He help you two to overcome the obstacles you will face and that He will strengthen the relationship the two of you have. Or even that you two will always put God first in your marriage.

This is all reasonable and Godly. The trouble with us (Christians) usually begins when we spot someone we think would make a fine husband or wife. And we begin to pray specifically for that person to marry us. We ask God to open that person’s eyes so that he or she could see true love staring them in the face. You list to God (and your friends) why the two of you would be perfect, make certain to ‘run into’ this man or woman at odd places and find yourself serving on similar committees at church.  You wait patiently for this man or woman to notice you, ask you out and for the blinders to fall from their eyes as they realize you are ‘the one.’

We get confused sometimes because we know that certain people in the Bible prayed for God to reveal to their husbands or wives to them.  In Genesis 24, Abraham sent his servant out to find a wife for his most precious son, Isaac. When the servant reaches his destination, he prays, “You, LORD, are the God my master Abraham worships. Please keep your promise to him and let me find a wife for Isaac today. (Gen 24:14 (CEV))” The story then goes on to reveal Rebekah is the one chosen for Isaac and they eventually marry.

We seem to think we can engage in the same type of behavior when asking for a spouse, but instead of asking God to reveal our husbands or wives, we ask Him to force that person to marry us. This is not Biblical and this is definitely not the way God works.

God always gives us a choice. If He allows us to choose whether to serve Him or not, whether we choose to live or die, don’t you think He would also give us the choice of who to marry? You cannot (and God will not) compel someone to do something against his or her will.  By praying for a person to act a certain way, you are getting very close to engaging in voodoo or some other type of dark art instead of allowing God to reveal who your husband or wife is in His own good time.

It’s important to remember this point: prayer is to help you change, help others in your life as they go through adversity and, generally, to effectuate God’s purpose here on this earth. Instead, we pray for things selfishly, so that we can use them for our own selfish purposes (James 4:3). This is exactly what we are doing when we pray for God to force another person to marry us.

Instead of engaging in these dangerous practices, instead ask God to reveal to you His purpose and will for your life. Ask Him, first, if you are to be married. Then ask Him what you can do to prepare to be married. This might even be the perfect time to ask if the man or woman you currently have in your life is meant to be your spouse. He is willing to tell you, but are you willing to listen?

As a final warning – don’t try to misuse prayer. Don’t try to get God to force someone to do something he or she is unwilling (and not meant) to do. Instead, pray that God will use your life as He pleases. That He will reveal the man or woman of your dreams in His own time and that you will have the strength to acknowledge His will.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Mat 6:33).

About the Sexual Revolution

The sexual revolution happened before I was born. All I know of it was what I saw on TV – women marching, burning their bras and equality being demanded for all women. Equal pay, equal rights and the equal ability to sleep around.

Or, at least, that’s how it was portrayed.

I think the sexual revolution and the women’s equality movement were beneficial to me in many ways. I appreciate the fact that I am paid as much as my male counterparts. I appreciate the fact that my future daughters can play any sport they want. And I appreciate all the minority government contracts that were set aside for minorities and women. (Not to mention my previously obtained rights to vote and to own property.)
But I also think the sexual revolution brought great losses to women.

One of the issues I have with this ‘revolution’ is the idea that women are now ‘equal’ in their ability to sleep around. Women of my generation and of the generation preceding me were told we were free to sleep with whom we wanted. Birth control became widely available and sex was no longer tied to the idea of procreation. Now, we could just have sex for fun. We could be just as sexually adventurous as man, we were told. Live a little. Date. Sleep around. Enjoy yourself. It’s your Right.

But they never told us the other side of the coin. That with sexual promiscuity comes a higher level of responsibility. That getting pregnant no longer meant a man would ask you to marry him. Or even stick around. As a matter of fact, abortions were as widely available as birth control, so that was now one of the choices we had to make for ourselves.

They never told us that since sex was no longer tied to procreation, not only would the man not necessarily stick around, but may never even acknowledge his child. Nor would there be anyone to pressure this young (or old) man into being responsible. Women were now solely responsible for themselves and, in many cases, responsible for the welfare and development of their children.

And they never told us that men and women process sex so very differently. That the hormonal and biological interactions that occur during sex cause men to become distant and women to become clingy. The Bible even says that sex is the only sin you do to your own body – and that you are ‘joined’ with every person you have sex with. The Bible meant that you are joined ‘spiritually’ – so you connect with every single person you have sex with. And, unless you go through a long period of cleansing and renewal, you will always carry those people around with you in your spirit. For the rest of our lives.

They never told us that.

The other problem I have with the sexual revolution is that I don’t think it prepared women to deal with the reality of being ‘equal’ to men. Yes, we could join the work force, and no longer had to stay home to raise the kids, but we also lost quite a bit. Because we said that a woman has no set place, we now don’t seem to know who we are or where we belong. Most women (myself included) love going to work every day and making a living, but when it comes to the idea of marriage and the ‘equal’ roles that I am told I should want – I am left at a loss. So now I don’t have to cook, clean or be a full-time mom. But, what if I want to do those things? Does that make me any less ‘liberated’? I am often struck not by how many women work these days, but how many women still choose to stay home and be full-time moms. College-educated, smart, work-oriented women. And studies show that women still do the majority of the household and child-raising duties. So, what did we really gain? A new expectation that not only would we work full-time, but that we would do the majority of the household chores and still do most of the child-rearing. That doesn’t sound promising.

The Bible admonishes me to be submissive and humble as a wife. To respect my husband and to serve him as I serve the Lord. Society tells me to be equal to my husband (or even to be dominant in the relationship) and to demand my ‘rights’. Who’s right?

I can tell you this for sure – I do want my rights in my marriage. I want my ‘right’ to have a husband who loves me as much as he loves himself. I want my ‘right’ to have my husband minister to me spiritually and emotionally. And I want my ‘right’ to have a husband who will do what he needs to do to support our combined household (spiritually, financially, etc.). And I want my ‘right’ to a husband who feels just as responsible for our children, our spiritual life and our marriage.

I’m just not sure where all that fits in with the ‘sexual revolution.’

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Excerpt from The Single Black Woman’s Guide to Christian Dating, http://www.christiansinglewoman.com.

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