10 Signs a Man is Not Ready to Commit

Okay, ladies, I know you have these conversations, because I have them all the time with my girlfriends:  how do you know a man is ready to commit to you?

We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that a man should pursue, should show an interest in being with you, should take you out and wine and dine you.  And, for us that are Godly women, we have to add the provisions that  he must attend church, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and a whole lot of other conditions that go along with it (be kind to his mother, respectful of His pastor, somewhat familiar with the Bible, etc.).

But, once you get past all these ‘qualifications’, how do you know when a man is really ready to commit – to you?  I am going to look at that question today in the reverse, and give you the 10 signs that say the man with whom you are involved is definitely not ready to commit.  They are as follows:

1. He is Noncommittal and Vague About His Feelings

You can never quite get him to admit to the depth (or shallowness) of his feelings for you.  You are ‘okay’, ‘alright’ or ‘straight’.  He hasn’t made any proclamations about what you mean to him, how important you are to him or what he thinks about you.  In the best-case scenario (if your man is not particularly talkative), he shows his feelings, even if he doesn’t tell you about them.  He is polite, courteous and responsive to your needs.  He cooks for you.  He mows the lawn (unasked).  Or something along those lines.  The worst-case scenario?  He doesn’t share any of his feelings with you because he doesn’t have any.  The deepest feeling he has for you is the aforementioned ‘alright’.  And nobody wants to be just 'alright'.

2. He Doesn’t Share His Plans With You

You don’t know how he spends his free time.  You don’t know who his friends are.  You don’t know what his goals are.  Yet he seems to have a whole, entire and active life completely apart from you.  This is not a good sign.  If you are not a significant part of his current life, you are probably not a significant part of his future plans either.  If you are in a new relationship, give it some time.  But if you still know very little about him after dating him for several months (or several years), this man is quite happy to keep you right where he has you – on the outside looking in.

3. He Doesn’t Answer the Phone When You Call

Yes, I know we all get busy sometimes.  I don’t answer my phone at least 30% of the time (I  have to work and sleep, you know).  But if, he rarely or never picks up?  Or if he is only calls you in response to a message (or several) you’ve left on his phone or because he sees your number on his caller ID?  Bad, bad, bad signs.  A man who is interested in you wants to talk to you.  No matter what else he has going on – work, family, children or whatever.  You should be a priority to him (or at least your phone calls should be).  If you are not, you need to re-consider his being a priority in your life.

4. He Hasn’t Introduced You to Anyone (or Introduces You as a ‘Friend’)

Okay – this is simple.  If a man has not introduced you to anybody he knows (and he at least has a mama, a couple of friends, co-workers, or somebody), you are probably not very important to him or his life.  Why do I say that?  What’s one of the first things you do when you meet someone (that you really like)?  Introduce him to your friends or invite him to different functions.  Men are not so very different from us – if they love having you around, they will invite you to be where they are.  And, in the normal course of those invitations, you will meet people who are in his life.  If you haven't, then beware.  And, closely related to this:

5. He Doesn’t Tell Anyone About You

When you talk to him, he may mention conversations he's had with his family or friends.  He tells you all about these conversations where he discusses baseball games or the basketball finals he watched on tv, the repair he's having done to his car or how his boss is getting on his nerves.  He may even mention to these aforesaid friends and family his weekend plans.  But, then you catch on to something – he told them what he was going to do, but not with whom he would be doing those things (namely, you). A simple oversight?  An overriding need for privacy?  Possibly.  But, more than likely, he is not ready for anyone to know of your existence in his life.  This could be for a number of reasons, but none of them are good.  So, keep up with his mentions of you in his life – it is an important indicator of intent and the seriousness with which he takes your relationship.

6. He Talks About His Future in Terms of ‘I’

When he talks about where he's going to live, what job he plans on getting or what school he plans to attend, it's all about him.  "I'm" going to move to Florida or "I'm" going to go to the University of Nevada.  Or, even when he talks about things that could conceivably involve you, like a future trip, moving from his apartment to his house or even a movie he plans to see, for heaven's sake, still no mention of you.  What should this say to you?  That he's still thinking of himself in terms of being single.  It has not yet occurred to him that the relationship he has with you could become more serious.  All those "I's" and lacks of "we's" is his subconscious way of telling you that he does not consider you to be his partner.

7. He Doesn’t Take You Out

Sure, he likes spending time with you – but only in the privacy of his home.  Or, he can hang out with you at school, but it never seems to go further than the coffee shop or library.  This man is not ready to be serious with you.  A man who wants to be with you will spend time with you in a variety of places – both publicly and privately.  And even if he's not personally very interested in going to the museum, eating out or seeing a movie, he should at least be willing to give it a shot if it means pleasing you.  Beware of a man who limits your activity to one specific type of place.

8. Only Calls Late (aka Treats You Like a Booty Call)

Right.  I know that we are all Christians and we are not engaging in late-night conversations with inapproporate men.  But, just in case this applies to you (and you are accepting those late-night calls), just understand that he is not serious about you.  If he only calls late, you have to ask yourself:  what is he doing between the hours of 8am and 9pm?  Why can't he call then?  Is he involved with someone else?  Is he married or recently separated?  Or does he simply see you as a way to get his needs met (whatever they are)?  Unless he works a really odd shift, there is no reason that your guy cannot call you at a reasonable hour.  Do what seems right to you, but know that late night calls do not equal serious intentions.

9. He Doesn’t Share Personal Information

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't know where your guy lives?  Or where he works?  Or you're not even 100% sure of his last name?  Unless you are truly just disinterested (or aren't inquisitive enough to ask him), it's probably because he doesn't want you to know.  And why doesn't he want you to know?  He could be hiding something.  Or, most likely he doesn't consider your relationship to be serious enough to share the serious information about his life with you.  Don't think so? Try asking him thoe questions the next time you see him.  His answers (or lack of answers) will speak for themselves.

10. He Doesn’t Take an Interest in Your Activities or Your Future Plans

We've already been over the fact that he doesn't tell you his future plans.  But now, to add insult to injury, he doesn't ask about yours either.  Why is this such a bad thing?  Let me ask you something – to what kind of people do you fail to ask questions like these?  That's right – acquaintances.  People you barely know.  You even talk to your boss (who you can't stand) about what you plan to do for the weekend.  Yet your guy doesn't ask?  Very suspicious.  Suspicious enough for you to rightly think that he simply isn't interested in knowing.  Or else – he'd ask.

So those are 10 good signs that the man with whom you are involved has no intentions of being serious with you.  He may be a good guy – fun to hang out with, good to his dog – but he has not reached the level of being ready to be committed (at least not to you).  If it is a new relationship (a year or less),  wait a while and see.  But if it has been over a year, your best bet is to keep your options open.  Don't let the opportunity to be involved with someone who is committment-minded pass you by while you wait for your guy to get a clue.  Again, do what you feel is right for you, but put yourself first.  Honor your own needs.  And try to be with someone who accords you that same respect.  And, as always, pray, pray, pray!  God will save you even when you don't want to save yourself!  Trust in His guidance and He will always see you through.


71 responses to “10 Signs a Man is Not Ready to Commit

  1. Ouch…This is sounding so all too familiar..

  2. This article gave me a little more encouragement to pursue the relationship I am in. He has passed all 10 of the signs with flying colors (Praise God) however, there are many insecurities due to a pass marriage. I will keep watching to see if there are more postings dealing with this issue.

    Thanks and God Bless

  3. I’m glad you have found such a good man! Be watchful, but, as in all things, pray – God will never lead you astray!

    I’m hoping for the best in your relationship. And that you get all that you want and you need from it. With God, all things are possible!

  4. Aurora:

    Yeah – I know how you feel! Many of these examples are from past relationships I’ve had. Willful blindness should legally be classified as a disease! It’s so hard to see the things we don’t want to see, but so important that we face up to reality. And, remember – it’s not that you’re not good enough for him, it’s that he is not equipped to be in a relationship with you. And you don’t want to be with someone like that, do you? You deserve to be treated well, to be respected, to be honored and to be loved. And, if your man cannot provide those things, it’s time to move on.

  5. ‘Late Night Booty Calls’… oh, I know this one far too well. He calls every few weeks, after 11pm at night, usually because he’s had a fight with his curent girlfriend or he’s feeling a little lonely.

    It’s been going on for years now yet I feel guilty if I don’t answer because he’s not a Christian and he’s reaching out to me. (To make him feel good about himself.)

    How do I change the conversation from flirtation?

  6. Kelly you sound like me. I know that I will have it in my mind to NOT answer a person’s call, but then my soft side kicks in. But what it all comes down to is, you have to take care of you. How do you feel after your interaction w/ him? Do you feel great about yourself? Or do you feel all empty inside like someone took your soul from you?

    He’s getting his good feelings from you, and we all have to learn to feel good about ourselves no matter the circumstance.

    When I was younger, I used to not be happy unless that man was calling me. The minute he’d call I’d get a rush of good feelings from him.

    Don’t allow this person to use you as a crutch when things aren’t working out. What happens when you need someone to talk to? Is he there to offer sound advice, or is this a one sided relationship.

    I’m just giving you some things to think about. I’m sure you have a lot going on for you.


  7. Danielle,

    Thanks for the insight! You’re right, I never go to him when I need someone to ‘talk to’. Even though the conversations make me laugh at the time, he’s not someone I could ever rely on.

    Thank you for giving me something to think about. I hope next time I can be strong enough to NOT answer the phone. 🙂

  8. i agree that focussing on God is the most important point.

    I think its how it all started, how it should be, and how it should end, no matter what situation we face.

    after all – we still breathing for 1 reason.

    God Bless Us All as we focuss on him

  9. Kelly/Danielle:

    I’ve learned the (very, very) hard way that the way a man wants us and the way we want to be wanted are sometimes two very different things. Yeah – he’s calling you for ‘advice’, but as Danielle rightly pointed out, he’s really calling you for a boost to his own self-esteem. Instead of dealing with his own problems (and the problems within his relationship), he calls you so that he can temporarily feel good. I don’t believe he’s reaching out to you because you are a Christian – but because you fill a void in his life.

    Danielle is absolutely right when she says you need to take care of you. You need to surround yourself with loving, supportive people who can pray for you, spend time with you and help you to feel good about who you are and what you stand for. Of course, as Christians, we should reach out, counsel and console those around us – but not at the expense (or danger)of our own self-esteem, our own peace and our own well-being. I suggest you seriously pray for this brother. I have a habit of doing this for people who are in my life for one reason or another, especially when direct conversations don’t seem to make my point. God has put him in your life for a reason – because He wants to save him. And praying for him is the absolute best thing that you can do for him.

    And, besides all that, no man really needs to be calling you after 11pm if he doesn’t have good intentions. It’s ok to speak to people occasionally, be friends, maybe even go out to lunch every once in a while, but I think the late night hours are best saved for intimate relationships and friendships. But that’s just my opinion.


    Yes, if we could all focus on God a little bit more, we’d be so much better off! All my posts could be entitled ‘About God’, because, ultimately, He is what it’s all about!

  10. Okay, Im in a situation where I’m somewhat confused. My guy has passed all 10 signs as well, Its been 2+ years and I am still not sure about his feelings regarding committment. Our relationship is both healthy and unhealthy. Healthy as far as honesty, loyalty, support (emotionally, spiritually, etc), understanding, loving and so on but, unhealthy in the sense of slowly moving forward with the relationship, having 2 different households but were together at one, having different views/opinions about a future together, not knowing exatly what tomorrow holds. He’s always made of point of not knowing of any successful marriages, seeing friends, co-workers and family go through divorce so thats why he’s afraid and in my case I know of plenty successful marriages (in my family alone). Not to say everything is as fine as wine when youre married because every relationship has problems, but when you plan for failure then I think youre going into the situation with a negative attitude. Everyday I pray to better understand things and closer sincere growth with God and since then I have been able to truly understand alot of things about life & living, but should I feel guilty about not knowing what the man I love so much truly feels as well?…. What do you think?…..

  11. hey ya know ive thought about a website where its all about peoples problems…and people posting advice…now that would be cool! and having like a professional biblical part for reading and study. and people talking bout there wisdoms…cause ya know the bible says there is no temptation or trial that is unknown to man. In other words some1s been through it!. I guess you would need a couple thousand websites 2 cover everything…i would call it – WISDOM.COM or something, so some1 get 2 it!


  12. Ms. More:

    You pose a very interesting dilemma. You say your guy passes all the 10 signs, but is moving slowly in committing to marrying you. And you two have been together for over 2 years. I hear you and I feel your dilemma, but I need to ask you some serious questions:

    Is this man worth waiting for? Can you wait until he is ready for commitment without becoming resentful or impatient?

    And, even more importantly:

    Do you think he will ever be ready to marry you? You know him better than I do and you know the entirety of his circumstances. Is he truly afraid of the potential downfalls of marriage or he just adverse to the idea of commitment?

    My advice is this:
    If you are willing to wait for him to change his mind and feel that he will eventually conquer his fears of marriage, then wait him out.

    But if you really feel in your heart this man is not going to marry you -ever – I have two words for you: GET OUT.

    Not because he is a bad person. And not because you are in a bad relationship. But because if marriage is something you truly desire, you have to find someone who is on the same page that you are. Implied in the commandment that we not be unequally yoked, is the fact that we are to be ‘yoked’ together. In other words, we have to move in step with our mate. Are you two moving in step or are you moving in oppposite directions? That’s up to you to determine and possibly help to correct.

    I am praying for you and I hope that all works out as God intends.

    Let me know how it goes….

  13. Mr. Rod:

    You should definitely start this website up. Every day, as I spend hours on the internet, looking for information, inspiration and advice, I’m simply amazed at the amount of garbage, misinformation and skewed thinking that is out there. It is up to each of us to be a light in our own personal way – and with more and more people turning to the internet as their primary source of information, I think it would be great if you lit up your own personal corner of the cyber world 🙂

    Think about it….

  14. Good day everyone!!! I didn’t get on line this weekend. I took a Mental Health Day on Friday. I did lunch and a movie w/ my mom. I’m an only child, so I make sure we spend much quality time.

    Anyway, you all seemed to have some very profound advice. Actually being on this website, gave me the incentive to let someone “off the hook” so to speak. I sat down and weighed the pros and cons, and realized that this person probably had me on the back burner.

    I wanted to speak w/ him directly, but as always he was unavailable, so I left a message telling him that I feel he’s not available emotionally or physically, and he didn’t need to keep calling me considering he didn’t want to call. I also wished him a Happy Birthday, (his birthday is Friday), so I would NOT be tempted to call. I hung up the phone, and deleted his phone number out of my cell phone.

    Fortunately, we’ve only been communcating for a month, so its not like I’m going to be all broken up. But as I get older, I realize that I must take care of me, and certain signs you see in the beginning will ONLY escalate as the relationship progresses.

    I feel that when God does send me someone, he will possess all the qualities I want, and he will NOT be about drama, disappearing acts, and he will break is neck to see and speak to me. This person seemed like they were just “fitting me in” so to speak.

    This website is GREAT!!!!

  15. To Ms. More…I would have to totally concur w/ Sonya. She made some EXCELLENT points, and gave great advice!!!!!

  16. Danielle:

    You said some very interesting (and heart-breaking) things above. I’m proud of you for deleting his number from your cell phone. Removing temptation completely is sometimes the best way to deal with it.

    You said this:
    “and certain signs you see in the beginning will ONLY escalate as the relationship progresses.”

    I often wonder about this… the doubts at the beginning. So many men are committment-phobic and because of that, I tend to write them off at the start. Am I not giving them a chance? Has my criteria become SO strict that I am missing out on getting to know some great people simply because they show the signs of things that have hurt me before?

    My beautiful married friends weren’t like that when they met their now-wives. They were still learning, still incomplete, still growing in their relationships with God. I’m there too.

    I always come back to my mother’s story. My father wasn’t anywhere near ready for a relationship but she saw something in him, chased him and caught him. They’ve been married almost 30 years and are so happy.

    So if we are empowered women, perhaps we ARE supposed to take a little control and stop giving up when they don’t seem interested enough??? What do you think?

  17. kelly:
    the thing that stands out to me as a guy is the fact that your –
    mother’s story – she saw something in him, chased him and caught him. They’ve been married almost 30 years and are so happy.
    I think its important for a girl to know what she wants and go for it! and this totally is opposite to the guy doing the chasing. I get alot of eyes chasing me, but thats about it! im not the chasing type.
    And finally I think a girl should never compromise and settle for less, “cause they always deserve better”. So if u like a guy start chasing!, if it dont work, stop, and repeat step 1, but with a diff. guy. But remember u only deserve the best in God, so dont settle 4 less! and thats 4 all women. as christians we have the greatest advantage to have perfect relationships according to his purpose and will. and thats in a negative world.
    And so if a guy dont seem interested enough, then obviously he cant be!?!?! otherwise he would listen, talk, give u attention, and make u feel high. and vise versa

  18. I think those 10 things are GREAT and we should NOT try to talk ourselves out of what we know in our hearts & what we deserve. I have waited on men my whole life to “change”, “feel differently”, “see the light”, etc. and NONE of them ever did…only got worse. How he treats you in the beginning tells all. If he isn’t interested, DON’T chase. I am a very assertive woman, and not shy at all, but I do believe the man has to show the interest or it doesn’t work. Gals: Keep your eyes & hearts open, but if he makes you feel less in any way, or verbally hurts you without an apology, he is GONE… REALLY. Stick to your standards & good things will happen eventually.

  19. thats exactly right Susan, God only wants whats best 4 us, in a negative world, so stay positive kelly, i mean yes no ones perfect, but a perfect start makes for a perfect ending i say, with trials in between, i liken it to our personal relationship with God. The start and finish are the best. thats y the bible calls it first love i guess. and the finish of course being the wedding of he lamb.

  20. Wow… if that is the test I have to take, then I pass with flying colors. I just finished 6 years in the military where I was forced to take a stark look at my life and what is really important and what is trash that can be discarded. Now that I am out and have a good paying civilian job, a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment ( buying a house soon), a car and truck that are both paid for, a boat that is nearly paid for, and almost no debt, I am ready to find a wife and start a family. I have already thrown out almost every worldly thing I own and do not watch TV. I intend to have a godly home for my family to live in. If any of you young, single, Christian women are tired of playing games with boys pretending to be men, let me know and we can start talking. If I find the right woman, I will marry her in 6 months and I will giver her my heart, mind, and body and love her as Christ loved the church (Ephesians). If you are serious, post here first and then we can exchange email addresses and go from there. I will bookmark this page and check back to it.

  21. Hello Wayfarer,
    You sound interesting.
    What do you like to do with your free time?

  22. Wayfarer:

    I would feel guilty turning this forum into a ‘singles’ board, so it’s probably far easier for everyone if you post your email address and be done with it! And possibly also mention your country, as the Internet is global and I am intrigued if I’m in your geographical region, but if I’m not, it’s a bit of a moot point. 😉

  23. Where was this article ten years ago, when I was young
    and dumb. This is probably the most accurate thing I ever read. In retrospect…..I feel stupid!!!

  24. The 10 point truly on key. My dilemma, I was introduced to a gentleman that lived out of state, who was recently divorced. We talked over the phone for months, finally met in person..we hit it off. Now, months later he is wanting to visit me again however, he has made it clear that he’s not ready for a “committed relationship”. He was honest to inform me that he’s involved with someone and they are in an open relationship. Claims he wants to stay in touch with me in case we have a future together? Pointless? I called him and asked that he cancel he trip (which he’s paid airfare for) and to stop all communications with me asap..After reading this I feel that I”ve done the right thing because I”m thinking with my mind, instead of my heart.

    I hope I”m right b/c he’s all that I want in a man.. ONly time will tell..

    What do ya’ll think?

  25. I have been knowing for the last past two years that the relationship I have had with my childrens father was doomed. I just wanted things to work out so we can be a comlete family. But, looking at these sign of a man that is not ready to commit. All the signs are definetly there. I know that God will not send me any mess. And mess is what I had. But, I had to let go and let God do what he does best. I know he will provide for me and my family. I have to just remain focused and realize that my childrens father was in my life for a reason and a season. Happiness,peace,prosperity, loyalty are just a few things that I want. And will have as long as I stay on the right path and that is by not falling for any Tom Dick and Harry that comes along. I have to work on me and learn to love me before anyone can love me. Thanks for listening!

  26. VRL:

    I think you made the right decision. Never settle for less than you deserve – no matter what type of package it’s wrapped in! You want an honest, open man who wants to be committed to YOU. You deserve more than being the ‘other woman’ or the ‘woman on the side’. By respecting yourself you have shown him that he has to respect you.

    Do your best to leave all thoughts of him behind and ask God to prepare you for the true man of your heart.

    I will be praying for you.

  27. I read the Top Ten list, and my guy fit about 8 of the 10 things. I ended things with him today, and it’s not easy. He was newly divorced when we met a few months ago, and I should’ve known from past experience that it’s not a good idea to be the first person someone dates after their divorce. But he was just “fitting me in” as well. I made all the effort, and he made none. I’m with Danielle. . . the guy I want to be with will break his neck to see me! I don’t care how busy his life is, he will MAKE time for us! It’s nice to know I’m not alone, but it’s still a hard lesson to learn.

  28. oh I’m extremely sad because I liked this man a lot but !
    he has not time for me it seems that he just want to get to go to bed with me !
    he invited me for dinner in his place , next day he asked me to bring a friend to have a 3 some with him of course I said it was not possible since I’m not that kind of woman !!!
    now he do not want to see me !

    it’s really a pity that I againts my will still like him
    please ??

  29. please give me your advice or tips on how to behave I’m very afraid to call him or be with him
    but at the same time I like him a lot
    unfurtunately !

  30. I read the information and found it very helpful. Being a person who has faith and trust in God I pray that he will someday. Now tell me this what if dhe says the following items…
    “i have found myself careing about you more and more each and everyday,”; “I have fallen in love with you and found my best friend to spend the rest of my life with the only item holding me back is that i want to be able to financially support our future, especially if we haveour own kids.”
    Now keep in mind this would be his second marriage, me being 27years and him 33 years with 3 kids with his ex-wife. He says that he wants to get remarried but for good and the right reasons not just because of kids, however he is scared of getting hurt again. What do i do

  31. So you like it when men invite you for threesome? really? How do you like a man who does this sort of thing to you. He has no regard or respect for you… you really “like” that?

    My best advice is to read Love Smart by Dr. Phil. This book helps you to undrestand where men come from in their thinking esp. as far as commitment goes. Every girl should read this book!

  32. Some men can beat all the rules. I have been with this guy, I met his friends and reletives, he spent night at my place and I spent nights at his and the choice was always mine. He even asked me to marry him.
    Then I accedentally found out that he was living with someone and had kids with her in that same house.
    It just so happened that she spend alot of time at her mother’s and that when he use to take me there. He’s a police officer but he spent his tour with me after signing in and when I though he was working he was with her.
    But I was pregnant by the time I realised I was being played.
    They broke up I stay with him because I was pregnant and I later found out that He was already married to jet another woman(seperated but not devorced).
    I am sure that they are separated, but seven years later now with tree kids I am still waiting for him to devorce her and marry me.
    AM I A GOOD WOMAN OR JUST PLAIN STUPID!? Could somebody tell me?

  33. Trini:

    Simply put – he’s not serious about you. He may love you, he may show all the signs of a man who is concerned about you. But he is not serious.

    You are not stupid. You chose to believe the best about someone that you cared about. That’s normal. But it’s time to let go.

    It sounds like the reason he is not serious is because he is not capable of being serious. I’ve dated men who had several other women or lingering relationships that never quite ended. These men have not learned how to maintain a healthy relationship or break off an unhealthy one. I think part of their problem is that they enjoy all the attention, the ‘drama’ and feeling like they are the ‘man.’

    If you don’t believe me about him, do this for me. Think about what he has done during the last several years. He has lied. He has cheated. He is actively committing adultery. He is sneaky. He is deceptive. He has been irresponsible towards you and your children. HE IS NOT THE MAN FOR YOU. Not now and not in his current condition.

    As always, pray about it But pray as you tell him you no longer want him in your life. Pray as you change your phone number or address if necessary. Pray as you recapture your own life and your destiny in Christ. Who knows what God will do about it – maybe he will redeem this man and make him all that you need him to be. But you need to take your hands off of it. Pray about it and leave it in God’s hands. And move on.

    Let me know how it goes….

    I’ll be praying for you.

  34. Thank you so much for posting this!!!! This has helped me realize that a friend is not interested in me and will help me watch for signs in future potential mates. Thank you so much! God Bless!

  35. I was awake all night and to see if i can fall asleep i opened up this page and was reading the e-mails u get and I have been in those shoes so many times… I believe that at times we as humans put ourselves down.. And we let ourselves be used yes we want to be loved.. Even though deep inside ourselves we know its for a short time. I have been dating a guy for 8 mo. now and he has no sign in commiting, even though we both had agreed to it but I fell.. I fell hard for this guy. He does show alot of signs in including me in his life but doesnt want to commit. Its hard to trust after having so many expierances in life.. I have stopped this relationship so many times but yet one reason or another we start to talk to each other again… The last time i hadnt spoken to him was for about 3 weeks I cried where I longed for him and I prayed to god so i can forget about him and take him out of my heart… But his mother past away and he called me that night and needed a friend.. He never took me to meet her but i meet other family members and friends… Now after 2 months again to the same routine Monday thru Friday we go out swimming a movie or so and on weekends he desapears…. And it gets old when befroe I didnt look to the sides now I am… And he has seen that from my side…

  36. I am ready to commit.

  37. Hi , i really enjoyed reading this post . leave in Nigeria and relationships is quite different there . However as a christain i do beleive that the spiritual aspect of getting involved with someone is the basis for how it will be suitained. I think people should pray ans ask God to lead them to the person that will make them the best they can best . I am 31 and have not had a relationship in the last 5 years but last year i met someone i really like. he is achristain and told me he was in love with girl who doesnt seem to feel the same way about him . I have been hanging around hoping that the pendulem will swing in my direction but it has not … Anyway even though it hurt real bad last week i just made up my mind not to try anymore. I know there is someone for me and at the right time , he will come. That is the confidence i have in my “Father”

  38. Hi Sonya C:

    Aren’t there exceptions to your list?

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, and he fails #2 and #8 on your list. However, I am in the Midwest attending graduate school and he lives in the UK–a distance of over 3000 miles, a 7 hour, trans-Atlantic flight, and a 6 hour time difference. He has a demanding career in an investment bank, so he calls me when he gets into work in the morning (which is late, after 11 pm for me). I am a Ph.D. student, so I’m not available to him by phone in the daytime (which is nighttime for him). We have each visited each other twice since we’ve been a couple. We have not met each other’s families yet (I am actually from the East Coast, where my family resides), and I have not met any of his friends yet. I know we will do all of that when everyone’s schedules sync up to orchestrate that.

    Surely, there are exceptions…

  39. This is a good list of 10 items. I think if a guy fits more that three of them, then you should start to put distance between both of you. Its a waste of valuable time(my valuable time) trying to make some guy like you more than he is willing to.

    Also, the behaviors, attitudes a guy displays while dating you will still be there when you two are married. So, if he has no concern for your likes, dislikes, plans or dreams while hes dating you, he sure won’t care once hes gotten you to say
    ” I do “.
    It will be like the Honeymooners. Ralph didn’t really care about what Alice thought until it got him in trouble. Then he laid on the charm by saying “Baby, you’re the Greatest”.
    And………he still didn’t care.

  40. I was reading all of the posts on here and everyone gives really good advice. In fact it made me think about the new relationship that I am in.
    I feel that the man that I am seeing is not interested in me because I am constantly e-mailing him and texting him and the only times that he returns my messages is if I send him a message but he never just calls me on his own or sends me a message on his own. In fact the other day I called him and blocked the call and he picked up the phone. Otherwise if I call from my phone he never picks up. Another thing that has been bothering me is well we live apart ( the long distance thing)! And recently I flew down to see him and while we were in a movie together he was texting someone and than got up went to the bathroom and did not come back until the movie was over. I thought how inconsiderate of him to be texting someone else while with me. The problem I have is everyone that I know thinks that he is not interested in me the way I am in him and thinks that I can do better. The only problem that I have is I love him and know in my heart that I should walk before I get hurt even more. Any advice from anyone?

  41. I was in just this type of thing, I cant even call it a relationship. I broke it off once and went back, but i just broke it off once again. the guy actually acted perturbed. He got all the benefits i got nothing. it was like trying to have a relationship with a rock. It was really sad. there was no kissing, no going anywhere , no affection even during sex. I think I was morbidly facinated by his insensitivity thats why i stayed. I had guys left and right like me and attempt to date me but no i just kept on the wrong guy. It took me some time to admit I was used. it is humiliating but i know it isnt me. These men themselves have issues. younger men have the urge to sow their oats but mature in age men should know better. I think anytime you meet someone off the internet its too easy and they treat women poorly as if hey have little value. I have learned my lesson .
    I deserve to be treated right. period

  42. 27yearsoldvirgin

    I’m 26 years old and soon to be 27. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t involve in any sexual relations with anyone until marriage. As being a Christian woman, is it ok to loose a virginity to the person we love but don’t know along the line we’ll end up marrying? I am hoping that a man can wait. But, nowadays men seem to can’t wait.

    • One of the reasons (if not the main reason) God created marriage is to allow us to stay sexually pure. Any and all sex before marriage is sexually impure. Even if you think you’ll end up marrying a person you’re in love with, it’s best to wait because you’ll be obeying God. John 14:15 reads, “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” God commands for us to wait. See 1 Cor 6:18 and 1 Thess 4:3 and Hebrews 13:4.

      Marriage between 2 Christians should be God-centered. This means that, as a couple, you should put God first and obey him together. When questions and difficulties arise in a relationship, God should be the first one a couple turns to. Having a God-centered relationship should provide a common understanding to wait for sex until marriage. If a man (or woman) can’t wait, it shows his (or her) own lack of knowledge and/or sinful disobedience in God.

  43. I would be interested in buying advertising on your blog (on this particular blog post). Please get in touch with me if you are open to selling advertising. I am contacting you through this form as I could not find a contact email on your site. Please feel free to delete this comment.

  44. Hello,
    I been with him for 2+ years, don’t know his friends or family. Not even his kids, he mentioned that he would not introduce anyone to his kids unless he knows he will be marrying that person. I think it was an excuse. He is a christian man for 6 years now I only been for 1 year. He never invited me to his church even till this date. I brought it up and again the same excuse about the marriage part. I mentioned that you could bring friends to church, you don’t need to explain who the person is. On saturday’s he does not answer my calls, i have to leave messages and he calls me like 3 hours later, stating that he was shopping and is rude to answer the phone, or he was doing too many things. Always calls me on Friday after 11pm due to being in church and that is the time he gets out, on saturday same thing because he’s running around doing all his stuff because he works during the week. Sunday forget it, he goes to church all morning and from there goes to work, we don’t speak on sunday. He always mentioned that hes too busy, church, work (he works 3rd shift sund- thrus 5pm – 3am), his kids, helping church people, meetings at church or even working on saturday. Just found out recently that he had a second job because he slip, for about 8 months, and never told me. his excuse was that i was going to fight with him about him not having enough time for me and now a new job. I know that at the beginning i was not bright with God, i have learn so much about God the past 6 months and learn to humble, forgive, and be a better person. He did mentioned to me that he test me on a couple of time and realize i changed, but after that he still uses the excuse that hes waiting for me to explode, using the past. He calls me every night he is coming home from work, on some occasions he has not hes excuse i was tired or feel asleep (his friend drive). One one it was a storm and he never call me till 9am the next moring, supposedly he stood in a hotel waiting for his friend to get out of work (who worked at the hotel) and i ask why he never call me, oh i never thought about it. So i text how funny you were all alone at the hotel and never thought of calling me wow, he never text back. Recently in a conversaton i said when people are on a relationship they need to accept mistakes and tell each other their feelings so we could understand what is going on and be able to react better to sitution cause we know. hes answer was did we established that (meaning that we were on a relationship, i said well i thought we were (we have breaking up lots of time,), i said you did ask me for a second change doesn’t that mean we are, he said maybe yes and maybe not. I was so hurt. I need help i don’t know what to do. What is worst he is a Christian for many years who is to help me grow and teach me better. im so confused.

  45. My man passed the 10 tests but he’s still afraid to commit cos he says he’s not financially stable. We’ve being together for a yr n he keeps telling me i’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with but i’m gettin impatient cos my family is on my neck to get him to commit. Wat shd i do?

  46. okay so given me some feedback. met a guy late april 2010. he literall picked me out of a crowded room and told everyone he was going to marry me. he is absolutely a wonderful guy. months into the relationship he admitted that at first he was not read but he soon realized he didn’t want to lost me so he had to get ready; he admitted that he is scared. he was going through a divorce when i met him, divorce was finalized may 2010. this guy has in many ways went out of his way in man ways to show me how he feels BUT here’s my dilemma
    1. he never calls me, its always me calling him, now its been like that from day one and if i can manage to not call him he will eventually call but i am starting to think he’s just not that into me even though when we are together i can feel the love 100%
    2. he hasn’t taking me to a family function; now the funny thing is i met his mom and dad the same night I met him, and his sister and other family were there that night as well and they witnessed how we met, heard him say he was going to marry me and watched us dance the night way BUT since that night i have not been around them. now i have hung out with him and a couple of his friends, and i am around his kids All the time, they live with him 80% of the time so I see them at least twice a week and we have ate dinner together and watch movies etc but a family function he has yet to invite me

    we are about a month and a half away from that one year . do i thnk he loves me i do, do i think he is scared i do… but those two things make me question the entire relationship Please Advice

  47. Eye opening article….thank you for posting. This blog rocks! Keep writing!

  48. My4 months relationship has all of those qualities but it didn’t work out because he doesn’t want a relationship right now.

  49. Do not settle for a broken marriage void of love, peace and happiness. Marriage is meant to be fun and pleasurable and not all work and no play.

  50. Every relationship is different. My 47yr old bf of 2 years has always maintained that he wants to get married and have children; I know for a fact that he is not a player; I have met his family and we hang out as an item. He shares his plans with me and asks my opinion about stuff. He’s loving and shows that he cares about me. We do not live together.
    However….he has a teenage daughter that I am yet to meet. He’s scared about how she will react to daddy having a gf and whether her mom will start being difficult about letting her spend Saturdays with her dad. I am now 33 and pregnant. He’s 100% supportive and over the moon about having a baby but when I asked him about where he sees us in the future, our discussion closed with ‘I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHY I AM NOT READY’.
    Well, I appreciate his honesty but bottom line is: that’s unfair to me. I am moving right along. Half a loaf won’t do. I will share my decision with him the next time we meet.

  51. wow!all the 10signs are pointing at me , im in a 9 yrs relationship but he just cant commit ,and after reading ths i knew instantly that he will never commit to me.deep inside me i knew but didnt want it to be true cause we have a 7yrs old son and i wanted things to work for us. He never talks about me even wth his family and friends ,its like i dont exist, they are always suprised if it happens that they see me with him . One family member once asked me if we are still together.he plans alone and not interested in what i do , i dont know how he spends his time when he not at work, we are only seen together when he wants, he doesnt alow we to go to his house , he doesnt answer my calls he only returns them after 4hrs or more.he never talks about his feelings to me, he cheated on me before and lie about so many things, i really want to move on ,i dnt have the courage ,im hurting everyday i fear being alone, im 34 i want a family and to be happy , i need help

  52. Ofina, what part of being alone are you scared of? Because it doesnt sound like you have this man’s companionship; doesn’t sound like you are partners. For most women, the lack of financial security is what scares them the most but I think as long as you are in good health & can work, that shouldn’t be such a big deal. You may struggle, but you will be fine. You’ve already given 9 years to this relationship, how many more years is acceptable to you as a trial period? You are unhappy, you feel left out, the relationship is not growing but you dont have the courage to make a move. Unfortunately, the decision to either accept things the way they are or give it however more years, or get out of this relationship is up to you. Pray to God for guidance & clarity. If you are convinced you should end it, I know it won’t be easy but you have to keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. Muster up the courage & strength to move on. Either that or in your own words, keep ‘hurting everyday’. And please dont handle it the way most women do; don’t turn it into a fight because you will most likely be full of resentment. Sit this guy down, be honest about how you have been feeling over the past years and let him know that it’s time for you to start on a positive journey of healing & hopefully finding a fulfilling relationship. All the best!

  53. Very good advice!

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  55. I been with my boyfriend for over two years, he and I are not ready for marriage, but I eventually would like to go in that direction. I’m confused he really loves me, however, he seems to be secretive about us. I have never met his family, nor does he mention me, but they do know of me. I asked to meet his cousin he always text in T.O when she comes to visit he asked why? That hurt my feelings made me think twice. He is very involved in my life, but shares very little with me. he gives me mixed signals, where I see hope for our future then he does things that make me doubt and I’m wasting my time. Feels like we are having an affair from everyone. I’m confused!

  56. Dear All

    This was most insightful! Thank you very much! xoxo

  57. I have a truly wonderful man.. He is the exact opposite of the aforementioned!

  58. I ve been in a relaitionshp for. 5 years nw we have a 4 year old daughter he do every for me n my daughter the problem is he has neva introduce me to hs family everytime he goes home he lives me bihind n when I usk him abt dis he says he’s nt ready I love him n I knw he loves me to but am starting to give up nw bcs it been 5 yeaz n am starting to realize dat maybe he has some one else I stay in durban n he also usk to be to be strasnferd to durban bcs am nw stuyding here in durban

  59. ive been with this guy for about ten months and never been to his house nevee met his family and he always say he dont have money to take me out and he dont have time for me. he canr even take me to the park and hold my hand.sometimes he come by after work and screw me.is he worth staying with.

  60. I’m a 26 year old virgin, raised in the church, but for some reason I always find interest in men out side of church.Recently I’ve decided to follow Christ with my WHOLE LIFE. NO COMPROMISING!!!! I just want a man who is saved and in the church and who shares the same morals and values which is JESUS CHRIST… the men down here in South Florida, hmm lets just say I like a manly man! I want a man who knows what it means to be a MAN… is that too much to ask?

  61. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a friend who has been doing a little research on this. And he in fact bought me lunch due to the fact that I stumbled upon it for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending the time to discuss this issue here on your website.

  62. well i am going through this right now and you word of knowledge was very helpful to me

  63. Me too I am going through this. I am dating a guy in almost one year now but he still not ready. Of course I date other guys and make sure he know it because sundays I don’t meet him and sometimes he wants meet me and I keep tell him I only have sundays to date so I date like 9 guys! I told him that he’s go upset but after he’s say ok. He never make plan with me he text me when he wants and needs me. I quite never answer when he call me I always try to make a plan after at least 2 days after he call or email me so he get to know he must schedule if he wants meet me.
    When we had sex last februari 2012 he were very confusing and contacted me after a few weeks. I was very sad because he knew how I feel about it.
    So I gave him a lesson and we hade not sex until last week.
    but noe he again very slowly to answer my emails and sms. I just want finish any kind of relationship with him and start the year without anyone in my life. I love this guy since the first time we met. But he very immature about what he’s really want. He has told me he loves me a lot time but just over the emails… i think he were drunk by then. He start get panic and want to talk when he drunk. I feel he loves me but he very hard to get. We do not have a life together. He never take me out excepet one time we went to dance and to take a cofee and he’s place. It’s very weird because he knows I want have a serious relationship. I tryed many time take him to eat out or to the city museums etc but he always say he get to work. He ‘a a famous pianist and always afraid of the paparazy pictures etc. so he isolation him self at home or at the studio most of the time.
    We always meet at his place or to take a drink.
    Well why he want keep see me? he know he do not get sex with me easly.
    Now he know I love him because I told him over an email when he told me too. But we do not talk about it,
    We had sex last week I still wait he ask me out again but he were sick and said we meet soon but not told me any date yet. I am plaining leave him before the new year and never meet him again.

  64. Well I must say out meet is more in his place or at studio as he a pianist and I love sing so we are record songs when we meet. We kiss a lot but not always make out. it’s also once or twice a month. It since january 2012. I fall in ove with him from the first time I saw him. I really felt we had something. I love him deeply but when we discuss about it it’s always over the phone or emails and he told me last april 2012 he’s not ready to a serious relatinship yet. Well then I said then we can keep meet but not sex he said okay he told me once in juni he seen a mother of one buy and have sex with her because I don’t watn have sex with him he said. I was very hurt but said yes so I keep sing and he’s playing the piano… well I wondering if anyone know why he want keep see me. Because I have many time over the email told him It’s over and to his not to call me or email me anymore but he continue do that and continue want to see me, I don’t know why because we do not even have sex since last week. It was very intense and I missed him so much but now he slowly to email and sms I know it will take a while to his want to see me again. It’s hurt me deeply because I love him and his know I want aserious relationship and I will ony have sex with him if we continue do that often and romantic and every morning if possible! but he always not keep his promise eitheir.

  65. OK my love is bipolar. (( that’s why so many things happened. I am really so sad for everything. He told me now after I suffer so much in now 11 months he decide to tell now before leave me again…and beat me up… just after make love to me. i am devastated in my life.

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  68. i just want to share my testimony here.. i was married for 2 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the life of my husband.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and i wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned me and my 3kids.. so someone told me about Dr Sango the spell caster to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster called Dr Sango spell caster…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he cast the spell, after 3 days that he told me, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man help, his email address (sangospelltemple@gmail.com) his spells is for a better life.

  69. i just want to share my testimony here.. i was married for 15 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the life of my husband.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned me and my 5 kids.. so someone told me about trying love spell to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster called dr. ogala spell…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he cast the spell, after 3 days that he told me, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man help, his email address (Ogalalovespell@yahoo.com) his spells is for a better life.

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