You Might Be A Stalker If….

Ever wonder what the characteristics of a stalker are?  If you recognize yourself in the following list, then it just may be you!

Okay, so you wanted to know what your boyfriend or girlfriend was doing last night. And you needed to go to the grocery store anyway, so you thought since you were ‘in the neighborhood’, you would just drive by his or her house. Or you called your new love and he or she didn’t call you back. So you called again. And then again. And then several more times. Could you be a stalker?

We all hear stalker stories and see stalker movies, but, for some reason, we never think it applies to us. But, hey, I’ve done and you’ve probably done it too, so let’s just be real! What is a stalker?  A stalker is typically defined as someone who is overly concerned with someone else’s behavior. This ‘concern’ leads them to play an intrusive role (seen or unseen) in that person’s life. Here are some signs that you might be a stalker:

     1. You drop or drive by someone’s house uninvited

     2. You ’stake out’ that person’s house to see who shows up

     3. You go out on a ’search’ mission to find out where someone is

     4. You call (with your number blocked) and hang up

     5. You call someone repeatedly until that person answers

     6. You write anonymous letters

     7. You ’show up’ at that person’s job unexpectedly

     8. You go through someone’s belongings

     9. You read someone’s text messages, letters or phone book entries

     10. You show up places you know that person will be.

If you are a stalker or have been a stalker, it’s okay! Admit it to yourself now and then stop being one. You are much too valuable to waste yourself pursuing someone who does not want you. Stop today. Live your own life! The next time you want to drive by that person’s house, don’t! The next time you start to call that person, don’t! If you are in a real relationship with someone, let them call you or let them come by your house. And then find out what it’s like to have someone chase you instead of the other way around!  Be Blessed

What Do You Have to Offer?

Hello everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been around for a bit – school has got me into somewhat of a bind (I’ve started back full-time).  But I’m back – and, believe me, I have a lot on my mind!

Okay – here is one of my pet peeves.  I will hear a woman say how she’d like to meet a tall, handsome man, with a good job and a good education.  And he should love children and get along with his mom and be spiritual and, you know, just  fill in the blanks (think: perfect).  And I will take a look at her and she is still living with her mom, working at McDonald’s, taking the bus to work and only going to church to catch herself a ‘good’ man.  (Not that there’s anything with working at McDonald’s or catching the bus.)  My point is that I always want to turn to this woman and say, What do you have to offer?

Why, oh, why do we think we can attract a ‘perfect’ man when we are so far from it ourselves?  Why do we never think of the fly in the ointment (which is sure to come) as we detail how tall he should be, what type of school he should have attended and what type of car he be driving.

So let me ask you (and maybe you should ask yourself) – What do you have to offer this gorgeous, spiritual man you’d like to come into your life?  What kind of car are you driving?  Where did you attend school?  How is your spirituality?  No, I don’t think you have to be rich, gorgeous or a size 2 to attract a man, but I think we sometimes need to take a good hard look at ourselves before we advertise for this ‘perfect’ one.

The sad truth is this – we attract what we are.  If you are attracting no-account losers, you need to ask yourself why.  If you are attracting people who never go to church, while all the spiritual brothers ignore you, you need to ask yourself why.  And if you can’t seem to attract anybody, you need to ask yourself why.

I think we would all be a little better off if we took some of that energy we use to fantasize about the perfect guy and become the ‘perfect woman.’  Find your passion and follow it.  It may be going back to school, getting a better job, traveling the world or losing a couple of pounds.  Be the type of woman who could get a date with a classy, spirit-led guy.  Drive your own nice car and let him be wowed by your style.  Or read all the classics and learn a foreign language so that you can hold you own in any intellectual conversation.

I’m just keeping it real – I had to figure out for myself why certain men were attracted to me (married, non-commital, etc.).  Until I finally realized it had a whole lot to do with me.  I didn’t seem like I was interested in anything serious (this was during my serial dating phase), so they didn’t take me seriously either.

I don’t believe every woman is too picky when it comes to dating men, but some of us definitely are.  And I know that if we could devote just a little of that energy to improving ourselves, the results would be much more worthwhile.

What do you think?

10 Signs a Woman is Not Ready To Commit

Okay, ladies, I’m sorry to have to do this to you – but, I have to expose those among us who are dating guys with whom we have no intention of committing.  And not just any guys, but guys that actually want to be in a committed relationship with us.  They call us, they take us out, they are devoted, sweet and kind.  And what do they get in return from us? Games, drama and inconsistency.  Now, I don’t believe that means most of us – I admit I am a bit biased, but I truly believe that most women want to be with a man who is ready for commitment.  But, for those among us who don’t, this list is for the men in their lives. 

Fellows – following are ten signs that the woman you are dating is not ready to commit to you:

1. She Spends More Time With Her Girlfriends Than With You

Like most women, I enjoy spending time with my girlfriends.  They are fun, they like to talk as much as I do and I get to watch girly movies to my heart’s content (try dragging a guy to see ‘Something New’).  But as much as I like hanging with my girls, there’s something I usually enjoy just as much, if not more:  Hanging out with my man.  I love seeing him, talking to him, just chilling out, holding hands or whatever.  It brings me happiness.  It makes me feel content.  And it builds the bond of our relationship.  So, guys, if you find that the woman you are dating seems to enjoy hanging out with her girlfriends way more than she enjoys hanging out with you, it’s your first good sign that she is not ready to commit to you.

2. She Doesn’t Return Your Phone Calls

Now most women complain that their men don’t call them enough.  They complain that they are forced to wait by the phone for their men to return their calls, their men fail to call when they are going to be late or that they don’t call just to ‘talk’.  So for a woman not to call you back?  That is beyond odd.  It is abnormal.  And it’s impolite.  And most women, even if they’re not interested in you, will at least call you back.  If a woman is not returning your phone calls, it is a very clear sign that she is not really interested in you.  Maybe there’s another man or maybe she just has other things on her mind, but you are not a priority.

 3. She Shows Up Late For Dates

Okay, so you’ve met a young lady you like.  You’ve taken her out a few times.  And you feel she is just as interested in you as you are in her.  You just have one problem – she’s always showing up late for for your dates together.  Sometimes she calls when she’s going to be late, sometimes she doesn’t.  She only shows consistency in the amount of time it takes her to arrive at your house, get ready when you get to her house or the time it takes her to meet you some place.  What should this say to you?  That either a) she is so self-centered that she thinks the world revolves around her (in which case you probably wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with her anyway) or (more likely) b) she doesn’t care very much about your feelings.  And a woman who can’t even show up to meet you on time is clearly telling you she can’t be dependable in other areas (like being faithful, being loyal, etc.).  And do you really want to be a someone like that?

4. She is Vague & Non-Committal About Her Feelings

This is a trait both uncommitted men and women share – when asked how they feel about you (and the relationship), they can never quite answer the question. They are vague (‘I like you’ or ’I think you’re okay‘ and definitely beware of ‘You seem like a really nice guy’) and non-committal (‘Why don’t we just see how things go’ or, my favorite, ‘Let’s just play it by ear’).  And this is particularly egregious in the case of women because women love to talk. Especially about our feelings.  We talk to our girlfriends, our co-workers, our moms and our sisters all the time about our feelings! About everything from how we feel about the new latte at Starbucks, to how we feel about the war in Iraq to how we feel about the weather.  In fact, 90% of our conversations are probably about how we feel?  Yet the woman you are dating can’t share her feelings with you?  That is totally bogus.  Trust me when I tell you – she is not with you for the long haul.  

5. She Spends All Her Time at Church

Hey, I can’t fault a sister for wanting to devote her time to the Lord.  And church can be supremely busy, between choir rehearsal, usher board meeting, belonging to the new building committee and trying to do Sunday worship, Wednesday Bible Study plus the Friday Night ‘Refresher’.  This is a sister to be admired.  This is a sister to be respected in her devotion to the things of God.  This is not, however, a sister who is ready to be in a committed relationship with you.  No harm, no foul – but when she is ready (spiritually and emotionally), she will make time for a special man in her life.  Until that time, she is best left alone (or just treated as a good friend).

6. School/Career is Her #1 Priority

There comes a time in every person’s life when you realize it’s time to get yourself together.  It’s time to start school or go back.  It’s time to switch careers or put some new energy into climbing that corporate ladder at your current job.  You realize you need a bigger house.  You realize you need to move out of your parent’s home.  You realize you want to travel the world (and need some money to do it).  You’re tired of traveling through Europe and are ready to grow up.  Whatever the case may be, you (finally) decide to focus all your energies and pursue your goals for success.  And, usually, that means it becomes the most important thing in your life.  Guys – if the woman you are dating are at that point, you simply have to accept that that’s where her head is.  She needs to focus her energies to make her first million, write her first book, get her PH.D. or whatever.  But she needs you to understand that is where her time, attention and energy will be devoted.  And it probably means she is not in a position to give you the attention you deserve in a committed relationship.  But it’s okay.  Support her, love her, whatever, but know that the relationship with you will probably  not progress until she reaches at least some of her goals.  Patience (in this case) may be a virtue – waiting her out might just be the ticket for you.  But that’s a decision you have to make for yourself.

7. She Has Too Many Ex’es Around

Yes, ladies, I said it.  I know you spent all that time explaining to your guy how you and Gary used to date, but now that he’s married with kids, you guys are ‘just friends’.  And I know you’ve explained to him that having ex-boyfriends in your life don’t mean anything.  That the romance is over and you have now settled into a mature, life-affirming, God-fearing, spirit-led relationships with them.  And I know it is something you would like him to believe, but we all really know the truth:  many times having ex-boyfriends in our lives just serves as a crutch for our new relationships.  A possibility.  A back-up in times of trouble.  It ain’t pretty and it ain’t cute, but many times it’s true.  Not all the time, but many times.  But, any time a woman has a lot of men in her life (particularly ex-boyfriends) it is not a sign that says she is really ready to begin a new phase in her life with a brand new man.  What it is probably saying is that she is content right where she is - in her comfort zone.  And whether the relationship with you works out or not, she will be just fine.  After all, when you don’t act right, she can just call Robert, John or Peter anyway.  They understand her just fine.  And they are more than willing to give her a shoulder to cry on – or whatever else she might require.  I’m just telling the truth….

8. She Constantly Talks About Her Past Relationships

Can you say ‘it’s over’?  Well, apparently she can’t.  She talks so often about how Mark mistreated her by cheating on her with other women, you are starting to feel like it was you who had been betrayed.  And if she’s not talking about just one guy, she talks randomly about multiple men she has dated.  You are starting to feel like you are just one more person in a whole long line of failed relationships.  And you know what?  You probably are.  If you are dating a woman who cannot seem to realize that she has met a brand new guy who deserves a brand new chance, she is not even remotely ready to be in a serious relationship with you.  Make your exit quickly – at least so that when she does talk about you, she won’t have so much to go on and on about to her new guy.

9.She Constantly Puts Men Down

Even worse than a woman who constantly talks about her past relationships (and how they did her wrong) is one who thinks all men are bad – period.  They are all dogs, they are all unfaithful, they are all liars, they are all abusive, they are all – you fill in the blanks.  Nothing you say can change her mind and no good deed on your part will ever be enough.  This woman is far, far gone and only an act of God can bring her back.  Be nice, be sweet, and be on your way.

10. She Is Only Interested in What You Can Give Her

You ever notice that you can only see your girl over a fancy dinner?  Or how she calls you right around the time a new movie comes out or a good tour is in your city?  Here’s the truth – she’s using you.  She sees you as a source of food, movie or concert tickets.  Or, even worse, as a rent check, a down payment for a car or a good-looking man to be on her arm.  She is very interested in what you have.  She is not interested, however, in you. It’s a cold thing to realize, but you’re better off in the long run if you admit it to yourself now:  your girlfriend is a gold-digger.  See – there you’ve said it.  You are free to go or free to stay, but at least you know the truth.  I hope you decide to go…

So those are the top 10 signs that a woman is not ready to commit to you.  Feel free to comment and let me know about any other signs I might have missed.  And, ladies – if you see yourself on this list, it’s never too late to change your ways!  It’s okay to play games – sometimes – but not with another person’s heart.  As the Bible says – treat other people the way you would like to be treated.  And that should always be your guide.

Do Open Relationships Work?

I was inspired to write this post after reading Actress/Comedian Mo’Nique’s remarks about her marriage in Essence Magazine.  (A link to an excerpt of this article can be found here.)  In this article, Mo’Nique says:

I married my best friend. Sid and I don’t put a label on what works for us because it’s ours. But some people might say that we have an open relationship. Some people consider sex outside of marriage to be cheating, but I think you’re cheating when you lie and keep secrets. We’re honest with each other.

Now I’m not trying to judge Mo’Nique or anyone else, but I have to admit her words took me by surprise.  Why?  Because I don’t understand why a person would enter a traditional institution (marriage) just to have a totally unconventional outlook (an open relationship). 

Which makes me wonder how people define ‘marriage’ nowadays.  A marriage (for believers) is a covenant between two people that is ordained by God.  Where two people become one.  Where a husband is admonished to love his wife like Christ loved the church and the wife is advised to submit and obey.  And, where adultery is forbidden.

Now I know we live in 2006 (and not 1006) and that people cheat all the time.  And, yes, I understand that people often have sex before marriage, get divorced and re-marry and that we have many forms of non-traditional ‘unions’ and blended families.  I understand that we live in a modern world.

But does that mean we can marry someone, have an open relationship and expect that relationship to work?  I don’t believe such a relationship lends itself to success.  A relationship should be built on openness, honesty and commitment.  How committed can you be when your partner is entering into that same type of relationship with other people?  Would that increase your faith in him or her or decrease it?

You know what I really think about people who are in ‘open’ relationships?  That it’s just easier to have an ‘open door’ policy because you just assume (nowadays) that your spouse will cheat.  Better instead to just allow him or her that freedom than to set yourself up for the inevitable pain of unfaithfulness.  Or, conversely, that it’s easier to excuse your own unfaithfulness if you go into the relationship with the understanding that you are still ‘free’ to pursue other interests.

What it seems to come down to for people in these types of relationships is an unwillingness to try and make it work in a one-on-one, monogamous relationship.  And again, if you feel that way – why get married at all? 

I hear a lot of celebrities (and non-celebrities) say that traditional marriage doesn’t work.  That men are by nature unfaithful and everyone has a natural curiousity about having other sexual partners.  And that no one can reasonably expect to be with the same person for 20, 30 or 40 years.  We’re living longer, I hear them all say – we should have more partners and more options during those longer lifespans. 

We are unwilling to accept that such an old-fashioned institution such as marriage can stand up to the pressures of a modern society.  So why even try?

I don’t know about you, but I still think the institution of marriage still has merit. God intended that a couple should marry, raise children in a Godly way, and that families become the building blocks for a healthy, God-fearing society.  That marriage imitate the relationship Christ has with the church – one of eternal love, sacrifice and sanctification.

I don’t think having an open relationship can even begin to capture God’s idea of marriage.  What do you think?

10 Signs a Man is Not Ready to Commit

Okay, ladies, I know you have these conversations, because I have them all the time with my girlfriends:  how do you know a man is ready to commit to you?

We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that a man should pursue, should show an interest in being with you, should take you out and wine and dine you.  And, for us that are Godly women, we have to add the provisions that  he must attend church, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and a whole lot of other conditions that go along with it (be kind to his mother, respectful of His pastor, somewhat familiar with the Bible, etc.).

But, once you get past all these ‘qualifications’, how do you know when a man is really ready to commit - to you?  I am going to look at that question today in the reverse, and give you the 10 signs that say the man with whom you are involved is definitely not ready to commit.  They are as follows:

1. He is Noncommittal and Vague About His Feelings

You can never quite get him to admit to the depth (or shallowness) of his feelings for you.  You are ‘okay’, ‘alright’ or ‘straight’.  He hasn’t made any proclamations about what you mean to him, how important you are to him or what he thinks about you.  In the best-case scenario (if your man is not particularly talkative), he shows his feelings, even if he doesn’t tell you about them.  He is polite, courteous and responsive to your needs.  He cooks for you.  He mows the lawn (unasked).  Or something along those lines.  The worst-case scenario?  He doesn’t share any of his feelings with you because he doesn’t have any.  The deepest feeling he has for you is the aforementioned ‘alright’.  And nobody wants to be just 'alright'.

2. He Doesn’t Share His Plans With You

You don’t know how he spends his free time.  You don’t know who his friends are.  You don’t know what his goals are.  Yet he seems to have a whole, entire and active life completely apart from you.  This is not a good sign.  If you are not a significant part of his current life, you are probably not a significant part of his future plans either.  If you are in a new relationship, give it some time.  But if you still know very little about him after dating him for several months (or several years), this man is quite happy to keep you right where he has you – on the outside looking in.

3. He Doesn’t Answer the Phone When You Call

Yes, I know we all get busy sometimes.  I don’t answer my phone at least 30% of the time (I  have to work and sleep, you know).  But if, he rarely or never picks up?  Or if he is only calls you in response to a message (or several) you’ve left on his phone or because he sees your number on his caller ID?  Bad, bad, bad signs.  A man who is interested in you wants to talk to you.  No matter what else he has going on – work, family, children or whatever.  You should be a priority to him (or at least your phone calls should be).  If you are not, you need to re-consider his being a priority in your life.

4. He Hasn’t Introduced You to Anyone (or Introduces You as a ‘Friend’)

Okay – this is simple.  If a man has not introduced you to anybody he knows (and he at least has a mama, a couple of friends, co-workers, or somebody), you are probably not very important to him or his life.  Why do I say that?  What’s one of the first things you do when you meet someone (that you really like)?  Introduce him to your friends or invite him to different functions.  Men are not so very different from us – if they love having you around, they will invite you to be where they are.  And, in the normal course of those invitations, you will meet people who are in his life.  If you haven't, then beware.  And, closely related to this:

5. He Doesn’t Tell Anyone About You

When you talk to him, he may mention conversations he's had with his family or friends.  He tells you all about these conversations where he discusses baseball games or the basketball finals he watched on tv, the repair he's having done to his car or how his boss is getting on his nerves.  He may even mention to these aforesaid friends and family his weekend plans.  But, then you catch on to something – he told them what he was going to do, but not with whom he would be doing those things (namely, you). A simple oversight?  An overriding need for privacy?  Possibly.  But, more than likely, he is not ready for anyone to know of your existence in his life.  This could be for a number of reasons, but none of them are good.  So, keep up with his mentions of you in his life – it is an important indicator of intent and the seriousness with which he takes your relationship.

6. He Talks About His Future in Terms of ‘I’

When he talks about where he's going to live, what job he plans on getting or what school he plans to attend, it's all about him.  "I'm" going to move to Florida or "I'm" going to go to the University of Nevada.  Or, even when he talks about things that could conceivably involve you, like a future trip, moving from his apartment to his house or even a movie he plans to see, for heaven's sake, still no mention of you.  What should this say to you?  That he's still thinking of himself in terms of being single.  It has not yet occurred to him that the relationship he has with you could become more serious.  All those "I's" and lacks of "we's" is his subconscious way of telling you that he does not consider you to be his partner.

7. He Doesn’t Take You Out

Sure, he likes spending time with you – but only in the privacy of his home.  Or, he can hang out with you at school, but it never seems to go further than the coffee shop or library.  This man is not ready to be serious with you.  A man who wants to be with you will spend time with you in a variety of places – both publicly and privately.  And even if he's not personally very interested in going to the museum, eating out or seeing a movie, he should at least be willing to give it a shot if it means pleasing you.  Beware of a man who limits your activity to one specific type of place.

8. Only Calls Late (aka Treats You Like a Booty Call)

Right.  I know that we are all Christians and we are not engaging in late-night conversations with inapproporate men.  But, just in case this applies to you (and you are accepting those late-night calls), just understand that he is not serious about you.  If he only calls late, you have to ask yourself:  what is he doing between the hours of 8am and 9pm?  Why can't he call then?  Is he involved with someone else?  Is he married or recently separated?  Or does he simply see you as a way to get his needs met (whatever they are)?  Unless he works a really odd shift, there is no reason that your guy cannot call you at a reasonable hour.  Do what seems right to you, but know that late night calls do not equal serious intentions.

9. He Doesn’t Share Personal Information

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't know where your guy lives?  Or where he works?  Or you're not even 100% sure of his last name?  Unless you are truly just disinterested (or aren't inquisitive enough to ask him), it's probably because he doesn't want you to know.  And why doesn't he want you to know?  He could be hiding something.  Or, most likely he doesn't consider your relationship to be serious enough to share the serious information about his life with you.  Don't think so? Try asking him thoe questions the next time you see him.  His answers (or lack of answers) will speak for themselves.

10. He Doesn’t Take an Interest in Your Activities or Your Future Plans

We've already been over the fact that he doesn't tell you his future plans.  But now, to add insult to injury, he doesn't ask about yours either.  Why is this such a bad thing?  Let me ask you something – to what kind of people do you fail to ask questions like these?  That's right – acquaintances.  People you barely know.  You even talk to your boss (who you can't stand) about what you plan to do for the weekend.  Yet your guy doesn't ask?  Very suspicious.  Suspicious enough for you to rightly think that he simply isn't interested in knowing.  Or else – he'd ask.

So those are 10 good signs that the man with whom you are involved has no intentions of being serious with you.  He may be a good guy – fun to hang out with, good to his dog – but he has not reached the level of being ready to be committed (at least not to you).  If it is a new relationship (a year or less),  wait a while and see.  But if it has been over a year, your best bet is to keep your options open.  Don't let the opportunity to be involved with someone who is committment-minded pass you by while you wait for your guy to get a clue.  Again, do what you feel is right for you, but put yourself first.  Honor your own needs.  And try to be with someone who accords you that same respect.  And, as always, pray, pray, pray!  God will save you even when you don't want to save yourself!  Trust in His guidance and He will always see you through.

Knowing God

Hello.  How are you today?  How was your day at work today?  Good?  Great.

So, how's your relationship with God?

Yes, you.  This is not addressed to your sister,  your mother, your best friend or your doctor.

But you.

Do you feel like you are close to God?  Do you feel like you know Him at all?  Would you like to?

I think about things like this a lot, and I  know I'm not alone.  I've been a Christian for a while (about nine years now) and, while I feel like I have a relationship with God, I am always striving to know Him better.  And I know you probably feel the same way too. 

So I thought we'd talk about it today.  And talk about some good pointers for getting to know God better.

Know the first thing you have to do to truly know God?

Be a Believer

Do you believe in God?  Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God?  Yeah, I know all about the Da Vinci code controversy – Jesus was just a 'man', right?  Wrong.  Jesus himself declared he was the son of God.  Why else do you think he would sacrifice his life on the cross (in one of the most horrific ways to die possible) to save you and me?  I love my friends and family, but I probably wouldn't give my life for them.  And you probably wouldn't either. 

But Jesus did.  Because he knew it was the only way to wipe out our sin and restore us back to our original relationship with God – as His children.  Do you believe in Jesus Christ?  Do you believe he was the Son of God?  Do you believe he died on the cross for your sins?  Now if you confess these things with your  mouth – and believe – you are now God's child.

So where do you go from here?

Pray

You know how you like to spend time with your girl or guy friends, your family and sometimes your co-workers?  How you can spend hours just talking, hanging out and having a good time?  Well, God wants to have that exact same type of relationship with you.  So, hang out with God – by praying.  Talk to Him.  Tell Him what's on your mind.  Ask Him what's on His.  And – you might be surprised – He just might answer you   If not today, then maybe tomorrow.  But, remember, all relationships take time and effort.  So invest in your relationship with God by spending time with Him. 

And after that?

Study God's Word

Yes, that old Bible is looking thick, dusty and long!  Not to mention boring, outdated, and irrelevant.  After all, modern scholars have debunked everything in there, right?  Wrong! That's what they want you to believe.  And the best knowledge is knowledge you discover for yourself.  Study the origin of the Bible.  Study what the Bible says.  Many world events, people and places have been confirmed by historical and archaeological findings.  And, the books contained within the Bible are the accepted doctrine of God – as close to talking to Him as it gets.

And, outdated?  Hardly.  I am currently reading through the Old Testament, and if I read about one more rape, blood-thirsty war, plague, act of disobedience, instances of incest and rebellion, I am going to faint!  People freely worshipped other religions and denied God (just like we do today), went to war for stupid reasons (just like we do today), questioned the relevance of God (like we do today) and celebrated feasts and holidays unto God (just like we do today).  And the Proverbs, Psalms and New Testament are filled with so much insight, wisdom and knowledge about life – how to handle stress, conflict, depression,etc. – that it's a wonder anyone can make it through life without knowing the Bible!  So, pick it up today – and learn what God has to say about your life.

And, finally:

Go to Church!

Yes, I know you think it's possible to have a great relationship with God in the privacy of your own home, but I hate to be the one to tell you that the Bible specifically tells us to fellowship with other believers.  And there are other very good reasons to attend church:  you will meet other people who are in the same boat as you are and can encourage you as you grow closer to God; you will learn from people who know a lot more about God than you do; and you will take your first step in obedience to God by doing what He's asked you to do.  The church really is a great place to make friends, learn about God and develop good relationships with His people.  But – it's important to remember – people are not God!  They are just people.  And you are going to church primarily to get to know Him, secondarily to make friends and build relationships.

This will be very important to remember as your embark on your spiritual journey, because it's very easy to get caught up in interpersonal dynamics instead of focusing on God when you go to church.  And God should always be your focus – not what the pastor is doing, not what your friends are saying and not what anyone else is wearing (I know I'm guilty of this sometimes!)  

Focus on God and He will focus on you.

I truly hope your journey with God goes well.  I know that He has your best interests in heart.

He's just waiting on you to figure that out for yourself…

When A Relationship Ends (Part 2)

What to Do

You continue to get up in the morning and pray. God is still a good God. No matter what happens and no matter what the circumstances, HE IS GOD. And that will never change. Thank Him that He has provided you with His comfort. Thank Him that you are saved. Thank him that your home is with Him, your joy is in Him and He still thought enough of you to be with you this day, in the midst of your misery and pain, steadfast and sure. Thank Him that even though you don't know the outcome of this situation, He does and He will never let you down and will never lead you astray. As a matter of fact, at the other end of this period of testing, you will be a lot better person anyway! You will have grown, possibly that other person will have grown and, if the relationship is meant to continue, it will be better than it was before. Know that it is all for a reason. Even if you don't understand it. Even if you don't like it. Even if you think it has gone on for long enough. Trust God more and yourself less. Besides, think how silly you will feel when it is all said and done and things turn out fine and you just spent the last three months of your life in bed because you had decided you couldn't face the world. Would it have been worth it? I think not.Continue to laugh and smile. No, every minute will not be filled with joy, but, surely, there is one thing you can read, one conversation you can have, one television program or movie that you can watch that can provide you with a moment of joy! Rent an old favorite, hang out with your friends and laugh about anything other than that person. Remember what was so great about your life in the first place. It certainly hasn't changed because that person is no longer around. All the great things, all the great friends, all the great activities are still right there. Waiting for you. Try them out. Experience them. Yes it still hurts, but laugh anyway. You'll feel better. And you'll be able to cope better.Continue to take care of your emotional, physical and, most importantly, spiritual well-being. Continue to eat healthy things. Do not overindulge in sweets, salts, fried foods or anything else that doesn't bring health and goodness to your body. It's bad enough you're feeling down, there's no need to send a boatload of chemicals into your system that will make you fatter, clog your arteries, dampen your enthusiasm and take away your energy. Really, life has enough problems to offer you without you adding more to it. Continue to listen to your favorite music, watch your favorite (uplifting) television shows and read your bible. You will get through this and you don't want to reach the end of this trial 20 pounds heavier, far, far from the Word or a mental vegetable from all the unhealthy and unhelpful television shows you watched in order to 'forget' about that person. Think of the person you'd like to be and continue forward with that ideal in mind. You are in control of how you treat yourself. Do a good job at it.

Last of all, you need to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself if you made mistakes in the relationship. Acknowledge that you did the best you could and vow to try to make amends for any hurts you may have caused. This time alone may just turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to you! Take this time to grow and learn from your experiences. Forgive yourself for being a fool if you allowed yourself to be one for that person. Forgive yourself for being taken in and promise yourself to learn from any errors in judgment. Forgive yourself for willfully being blind, ignorant or lost in the pursuit of happiness you thought could be found in another person. Realize that true happiness comes only from God and is internal in you, in Him. Promise yourself you will do better next time. And, last of all, forgive yourself for the days you do cry, or mentally curse that person out or have such a bad day that you depress your friends, co-workers and family members. When the dog is afraid to curl up next to you because of the foul air of misery and frustration that surrounds you. For indulging in that family-size bag of Doritos and extra two or three helpings of mashed potatoes from KFC. Because we've all been there. And we've all done foolish things. You will do better next time! Let it go and move on.

Remember – you CANNOT control another person. That person may or may not come back to you. You may or may not be able to continue in relationship with that person.

The relationship you must cherish and nurture, however, is your relationship with yourself. Vow to treat that person better if he or she comes back and you wish to continue with them, but treat yourself better right now. Take good care of you and those rewards will last a lifetime. Treat yourself well. Then treat others well.

And, when all is said and done, just do the best you can.  You will come through it.  And you will be stronger, wiser person on the other end of this experience.

Trust me…

When A Relationship Ends (Part 1)

What do you do when the good times have gone? What do you do when you no longer know what to say to your mate/lover/friend? When you are on the outs and can't remember what the 'ins' were like? When you can't remember why this person was so important to you in the first place and can't decide if it's worth trying to fix?

What Not to Do

First, let's talk about what you don't do. You don't give in to the shame, the despair or the depression. Yes, you miss that person, yes, you are not doing your best, but, no, you do not decide to give up on life as well. Maybe that person will come back. Maybe that person won't. You have no control over that person. God has given each of us free will. What makes you think you can take away what God has given? In knowing that all of us have the ability to choose for ourselves, recognize that that other person has a right to choose to live his or her life as he or she pleases. In other words, it ain't about you. And it never will be. And, as soon as you understand and accept that you cannot control another person's destiny, half the battle is already won…

You also don't run that person's name into the ground. Yes, he or she did things that were wrong. But, then again, so did you. As a Christian, we do not fill our mouths with hateful, spiteful or vituperative rampages against another person. It is un-Godly and it is foolish. If no one has ever told you that, you know it now. It is not becoming to you as a Christian or as a human being with basic common decency to spend time running down someone else. You are bigger than that. Your life and your time are worth more than that. And, after all, you found something about that person to love or admire at some point in your life. You also need to think – when you run that person down, you are really running yourself down. What you are saying when you talk about that person is that you were not intelligent enough to choose a good friend, lover or mate. Not to say that you can't talk about it all. Sure, after the initial incident or departure, you have plenty to say. Find a few trusted friends or spiritual advisors and let it all out. Journal, pray about it, write letters to that person if you must. But don't let it get out of hand. Don't let those memories be reduced to acid retellings or let bitterness or anger overcome you. Don't ruin your life or your memory of that person with you wild and willful tongue. It ain't worth it.

You don't spend all your time thinking about that person. You don't spend days, minutes and hours planning revenge, planning the reconciliation or replaying memories from the 'good ol' days'. Of course, there will be periods of time when you will reflect on that person and on the memories the two of you have shared. These periods of time do not take up your entire day. You were a whole person before he or she came into your life. You are still a whole person. You had a life before you met that person. You still have a life. Enjoy it! No one is saying you have to paste a smile on your face 24-7, but you certainly still need to go to church, talk to your friends, clean your house and present a decent and well-groomed appearance. What does it say about you or your relationship with God if you won't take the hour it requires to shower, put on clean clothes and style your hair? That your life is not worth living if that person is not in it? That you cared more about that person than you do about yourself? That God has not provided enough of His love and support as well as sent other wonderful people in your life that can help to meet your needs during this difficult time? I think not. Honor God and what He has given you in your life by living it. And respecting it. And going on.

Lastly, you don't spend all your time sighing, looking sad or in a dazed or incoherent state of shock. Yes, you are sad. As a matter of fact, you feel lots of emotion. And it's okay for you to feel those things. But, who are you helping by painting a frown on your face, by looking like your stomach is continually upset or angrily mumbling to yourself over your morning coffee or your computer screen? Let me tell you – no one. And let me tell you the effect this attitude will have on your friends, family or co-workers – they will avoid you like the plague! Admit it – we are all sympathetic to tales of heartbreak and betrayal – up to a point. But, once that point has been crossed, watch out! We all have someone in our lives, either in our family, our office or at our church, that, when we see them coming, we turn the other way. They are always filled with complaints, grumbling about their day, mad at someone or something and always, always, always in a bad mood. Well, with your heartbreak stories and pessimistic attitude, you are now that person! No, your best friend does not want to hear for the 30th time what that person had the nerve to say to you in your last telephone call. No, your co-worker is not interested in how poorly you slept the night before – they only wanted to get that report from you, not receive a report! And, no, even your mother has tired of your always complaining, never a fond word, railing against the world, down and out attitude about how 'everybody is against you' or 'no one really cares.' Please, please, please, for their sake, stop talking about it! Try saying something like, 'I'm doing my best with it. And how is your day?' Stop thinking about you and think more about someone else. While you're nursing a heartache over some real or imagined betrayal, someone else is losing their mother to cancer, or their son has been arrested. Tune out of your own problems and into theirs. And, believe me, you'll feel much better. By talking incessantly about what this person did or said to you, you not only reinforce it in your friends' minds over and over again, you also reinforce it in your own. Which leads to further depression, increased antagonism towards that other person, stress to yourself and your body and stagnated and unproductive thinking. Think about something else. Please. Talk about something else. For your sake as well as for the sake of those who love you. Your mind, body and heart will thank you.

Should Christian Singles Date Multiple Partners?

Here's a often highly-debated question: Should Christian singles date multiple partners?

It's so often debated because it's such a murky question.  Before we can even begin to attack the question, we have to consider:  what's the purpose of dating anyway?  And – shouldn't we be 'courting' instead of 'dating'? 

What is the purpose of dating?  According to today's culture, it's a way of getting to know someone, to hang out with a member of the opposite sex, to have someone to escort you (or be escorted) to an important event or (depending on how worldly you are) a way of obtaining a regular sex partner. Courting is considered to be dating, but with one very important caveat: you are seeing that person as preparation for getting married.  Therefore, courting is usually considered much more serious.

So, returning to the original question (now that we have a working definition of dating), should Christians date multiple partners?  What do you think about it?

I personally think it's a bad idea.  Why?  Because, with all things, the more factors you throw into the pot, the more confusing things will be.  Let's say you are going out with Bill (whom you like), occasionally spend time with Tim (because he has a really cool-looking car) and have just started seeing Steve (because he is oh so fine).  What do you think will become of all these relationships?  You like Bill, but he will more than likely get lost in the shuffle as you juggle him and two other men.  Tim is cool, but he doesn't have a lot to say for himself.  However, you get a personal high from being seen in his Mercedes, so you continue to waste time with him.  And Steve? You may or may not like him, but you don't know because you don't have the time or energy to spend much time with him!  So you are dating three men, but not getting a whole lot of fun.  Are you having fun yet?

I think it is easier (and much more productive) to just date one person at a time.  In a perfect world, I would even advise courting, as opposed to dating.  That way you would both know that what you are doing is getting to know each other and preparing for marriage with that person.  But I recognize that we do not live in a perfect world (and most men and women aren't ready to be that committed until they've spent more time with a person), so my best advice would be to just spend time with one person.

Why?  Because your life is busy enough as it is – you have church, you have your family, you have your friends, and possibly school and a job.  Dating more than one person will definitely detract from all these things.  I think your time will be much better spent doing things to build your life, your finances and your relationship with God.  And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, Does Being Single Mean Putting Your Life on Hold?, when opu are single, you are focused on God.  And on serving Him.  As a married person, you will more naturally begin to become more focused on pleasing your mate.  So, since you know that will happen once you get married, it is important as a single person to make sure God is your primary focus.  And this definitely will not happen if you are dating several people at once!

So, if you are dating more than one person right now, seriously consider why that is.  Do you find none of them very satisfying as a potential mate?  Are you trying to be a player?  Are you just not looking to be serious right now?  Or do you just think this is the norm?

And, after you have answered those questions, consider if that is the best use of your time.  Only you know what is going on in your life, so only you can make that decision. I only hope (and pray) you make the best choice for your life.

Can Christians Be Sexy?

With the popularity of low riders, belly shirts, navel piercings and other such fashion trends, we have to ask ourselves:  Can Christians Be Sexy?

First, we have to consider what 'sexy' is and the implications of being considered 'sexy' in today's world.  The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines it as follows:

sex·y    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (sks) adj. sex·i·er, sex·i·est Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest. Slang. Highly appealing or interesting; attractive: “The recruiting brochures are getting sexier” (Jack R. Wentworth).

Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire – hmm, is this how we want to present ourselves? Maybe not.  (And ladies, I apologize – but most of this posting will be for you.  I know there is a double standard for men and women, but after we acknowledge that fact, we just have to figure out a way to deal with it.)

Here's the thing – so many sins can be traced back to the sexual – fornication, adultery, some forms of covetousness, lust – not to mention the potential addictive and destructive nature of sex.  So do we want to dress or act in a way that appeals solely to the sexual desires of the members of the opposite sex? If only to help out our Christian brothers, I'd have to say – probably not.

I know it's tempting to want to be fashionable – as a recent news report revealed, it's harder to find shirts of normal length sometimes than belly shirts.  And, yes, while you might be able to wear it, the question is not can you, but should you.

The Bible admonishes that women "…..adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety; not with braided hair, and gold or pearls or costly raiment; but (which becometh women professing godliness) through good works. 1 Titus 2:9-10)"  Clearly the emphasis here is for a women to be more modest than flashy and to 'display' her value through the good works with which she occupies herself.  In other words, that it's not necessarily about what's on the outside, but what's on the inside.

I like my low riders as well as the next person, but I also realize that, as a Christian, I have to be a model for what is appropriate as a follower of Christ.  And that is your duty as well – to model being a Christian – particularly for non-Christians.  In this respect, you are a leader – however you dress, whatever you say and whatever you do will be interpreted in light of your professed Christianity.  Fair?  No.  Realistic?  Yes.

So – think about it the next time you pull out that color-coordinated, hot outfit that you plan to wear on that next outing with your girlfriends.  Get dressed and take a good long look in the mirror.  And think to yourself – what are my clothes saying about me?  What will people think when they see me?  Is this how I see myself?

The choice is up to you, but I humbly suggest that you seriously consider the above questions and make the best decision possible about what you are about to wear.  And that's all any of us can do….