Do Open Relationships Work?

I was inspired to write this post after reading Actress/Comedian Mo’Nique’s remarks about her marriage in Essence Magazine.  (A link to an excerpt of this article can be found here.)  In this article, Mo’Nique says:

I married my best friend. Sid and I don’t put a label on what works for us because it’s ours. But some people might say that we have an open relationship. Some people consider sex outside of marriage to be cheating, but I think you’re cheating when you lie and keep secrets. We’re honest with each other.

Now I’m not trying to judge Mo’Nique or anyone else, but I have to admit her words took me by surprise.  Why?  Because I don’t understand why a person would enter a traditional institution (marriage) just to have a totally unconventional outlook (an open relationship). 

Which makes me wonder how people define ‘marriage’ nowadays.  A marriage (for believers) is a covenant between two people that is ordained by God.  Where two people become one.  Where a husband is admonished to love his wife like Christ loved the church and the wife is advised to submit and obey.  And, where adultery is forbidden.

Now I know we live in 2006 (and not 1006) and that people cheat all the time.  And, yes, I understand that people often have sex before marriage, get divorced and re-marry and that we have many forms of non-traditional ‘unions’ and blended families.  I understand that we live in a modern world.

But does that mean we can marry someone, have an open relationship and expect that relationship to work?  I don’t believe such a relationship lends itself to success.  A relationship should be built on openness, honesty and commitment.  How committed can you be when your partner is entering into that same type of relationship with other people?  Would that increase your faith in him or her or decrease it?

You know what I really think about people who are in ‘open’ relationships?  That it’s just easier to have an ‘open door’ policy because you just assume (nowadays) that your spouse will cheat.  Better instead to just allow him or her that freedom than to set yourself up for the inevitable pain of unfaithfulness.  Or, conversely, that it’s easier to excuse your own unfaithfulness if you go into the relationship with the understanding that you are still ‘free’ to pursue other interests.

What it seems to come down to for people in these types of relationships is an unwillingness to try and make it work in a one-on-one, monogamous relationship.  And again, if you feel that way - why get married at all? 

I hear a lot of celebrities (and non-celebrities) say that traditional marriage doesn’t work.  That men are by nature unfaithful and everyone has a natural curiousity about having other sexual partners.  And that no one can reasonably expect to be with the same person for 20, 30 or 40 years.  We’re living longer, I hear them all say - we should have more partners and more options during those longer lifespans. 

We are unwilling to accept that such an old-fashioned institution such as marriage can stand up to the pressures of a modern society.  So why even try?

I don’t know about you, but I still think the institution of marriage still has merit. God intended that a couple should marry, raise children in a Godly way, and that families become the building blocks for a healthy, God-fearing society.  That marriage imitate the relationship Christ has with the church - one of eternal love, sacrifice and sanctification.

I don’t think having an open relationship can even begin to capture God’s idea of marriage.  What do you think?

Should You Marry a Man Who Still Lives At Home?

A recent conversation with a good friend of mine (whose adult son still lives at home) brought this question to my mind:  Should you marry a man who still lives at home (with mom and/or dad)?

 A lot of Christians will tell you that a man is supposed to get a job, have a home and be prepared to take care of his wife and future children prior to getting married.  That a man should at least be self-supporting, before he should even consider supporting a mate (and a few will add that he should be college-educated, established in his career and driving a nice car).  Not because the Bible tells us this is true - but because conventional wisdom does.  So what does the Bible say about it? 

Surprisingly - not a whole lot.  The Bible is filled with wisdom for a man who is a husband - how to treat his wife, the role of a husband in a marriage,  and the role of a husband who holds church office.  But not one scripture I've seen directly addresses the money-making capabilities or responsibilities of a potential husband.

So where does that leave us?  Would it be okay to marry a man who does not have a job, a vocation, is not in school and/or still lives at home?

In the absence of direct Biblical direction, let us instead look at the original purpose of marriage.  And what better place to start than the story of Adam and Eve (Genesis 1-5)?

  According to the Bible, God first created Adam and then created Eve (some argue they were created at the same time, but you should read the scriptures yourself to see what you believe).  After Adam's creation, the Bible tells us God created Eve because it was not good 'that the man should be alone' - and Adam needed help.  So God created one who was perfect in every way for him - a woman, whom Adam named Eve.  So there were two purposes of mariage fulfilled at that time - to provide companionship for Adam and to give him a helping partner.  After creating Adam and Eve, God then enjoined them to 'be fruitful and multiply'.  So, another purpose of marriage was to procreate.  But, before all this - God gave Adam a job - to name the animals, to tend to the garden and to watch over the two trees that were forbidden to them (of knowledge and eternal life).  Adam had a job;.  After Eve had been created, God further stated that 'Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:  and they shall be one flesh'.  And there, I believe, lay the keys to the man's responsibility in a marriage.

God intended for a man to leave his mother and father and begin a new life with his wife.  And, Adam had a job before Eve was ever created.  So what does this tell us?  That a man should be prepared to start a new life with his wife and that he should be gainfully employed before doing so.  So, in looking at this evidence, we can see that this does not necessarily exclude a man who still lives at home with his parents, with the caveat that he has a job.

I can only say, in closing, that although I don't think it is Biblically or societally incorrect to marry or date a man who still lives at home, you seriously need to consider the maturity and responsibility of such a man.  Most adults who come of age willingly leave the nest, to return only out of financial need (on a temporary basis).  Therefore you need to ask yourself - why is this man still living at home?  Is he in school?  Did he just graduate from college?  is he helping his parents in any way - or are they helping to support him?  And, most importantly - does he have any plans to leave? 

I personally do not believe that a man can come fully into a knowledge of his own identity under the protective influence of mom and dad.  And that it would be a mistake to overlook a potential red flag about the man you intend to marry.  After asking yourself the above questions, my only advice to you is that you should trust your instinct, pray diligently about the matter and trust God to lead you on the right path.

Does Being Single Mean Putting Your Life on Hold?

Many people equate being single with putting your life on hold - you are waiting to get married, waiting to have children (if you don't have any yet), waiting for the father or mother of your children to marry you - waiting.  Does being single mean you have to put your life on hold?

Absolutely not!  It says in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34:

"32  But I would have you to be free from cares. He that is unmarried is careful for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord:

33  but he that is married is careful for the things of the world, how he may please his wife,

34  and is divided. So also the woman that is unmarried and the virgin is careful for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married is careful for the things of the world, how she may please her husband."

It was not meant, as is so often interpreted, as an injunction against marriage.  What it was meant to remind us is how very productive we can be towards the Lord as a single person.  See, a very natural thing occurs when you get married - your interests, your time and your thoughts begin to turn towards your spouse.  You think about ways to please your spouse and turn your energies toward nurturing the relationship, the home and your children.

An unmarried person does not have those concerns.  While a single person may still have children, the number one relationship in his or her life is still God (or, at least, it should be!) and that is where this person's time, energy and passion ought to go.  If you are dating someone, it is good to spend time with him or her, go out on dates, talk on the phone, etc., but remember that, as a single person, you can do so much more to serve God than you ever will after being married!

So, if you find yourself single today, make the most of it!  Do what you can to serve God, honoring Him with your time and your resources.  It is a decision that will serve you well throughout the rest of your life.

Characteristics of a Christian Mate

(Continued from Characteristics of a Christian Husband and Characteristics of a Christian Wife) 

The following scriptures give traits and characteristics for a Christian spouse of any gender:

You Must Be Sexually Attracted to Him/Her

1 Corinthians 7:3

  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:4 

 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

Must He/She Be A Believer?

2 Corinthians 6 

 14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  However, the Bible also speaks about an unbelieving husband or wife being sanctified through marriage:

 1 Corinthians 7

 12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.        

 In the search to find your Christian mate, pray, as in all things and ask God to help you to find that person.  But remember - it is all in God's timing and not your own.  Pray, be diligent and, in the meanwhile, seek to fashion yourself after God's idea of a Christian husband or a Christian wife.  Your search might just end that much sooner!

Characteristics of a Christian Wife

(Continued from Characteristics of a Christian Husband)

Following are scriptures concerning the role and characteristics of a Christian Wife.

1. She should not be a nag:

Proverbs 21:9

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome (contentious or strife-causing) wife.

2. She should be industrious, hard-working, able to provide for her family,  wise and able to bring honor to you:

Proverbs 31 (excerpts)

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;  for all of them are clothed (to be fully clothed) in scarlet (Commentary:  scarlet–or, "purple," by reason of the dyes used, the best fabrics; as a matter of taste also; the color suits cold. (Fausset, A. R., A.M. "Commentary on Proverbs 31". "Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible".))

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

3. She is Willing to Be Submissive

Ephesians 5:22-24 

 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.(Commentary: From v. 22 to the end he speaks of the duties of husbands and wives; and he speaks of these in a Christian manner, setting the church as an example of the wife’s subjection, and Christ as an example of love in husbands. I. The duty prescribed to wives is submission to their husbands in the Lord (v. 22), which submission includes the honouring and obeying of them, and that from a principle of love to them. They must do this in compliance with God’s authority, who has commanded it, which is doing it as unto the Lord; or it may be understood by way of similitude and likeness, so that the sense may be, "as, being devoted to God, you submit yourselves unto him.’’ (From: Henry, Matthew. "Commentary on Ephesians 5". "Matthew Henry Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible". ))

Characteristics of a Christian Husband

What attributes should you look for in a Christian mate?  Following is a handy checklist of relevant scriptures that you should keep in mind as you search for your Christian soulmate:

1. He should be willing to put your relationship before all others:

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to (to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, catch) his wife, and they will become one flesh.

2. He should be a good leader:

Ephesians 5:23
For the husband is the head (metaphor, anything supreme, chief, prominent of persons, master lord: of a husband in relation to his wife of Christ: the Lord of the husband and of the Church of things: the corner stone) of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

3.  He should love you as much as he loves himself and be willing to give himself for you:

Ephesians 5

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. Next: Characteristics of a Christian Wife